See, I am doing a new thing, Part One

Life is a journey for everyone. No two paths are the same. Sometimes the path is a wide paved road like an interstate and other times its like a narrow forgotten path that leads deep into the wilderness, with new discoveries around each bend. You can’t see very far ahead and there might be a few sticks and leaves you have to clear away, but you just know that it’s worth the effort because it’s leading you to the most beautiful place. It’s the scenic route. Sometimes there are obstacles on the path that aren’t easily moved away so we take long detours. It took the Israelites 40 years to make an 11-day journey after all!

30 years ago I was on a path. There was no doubt from a very young age that I was a maker. I loved creating new things and at some point I realized that those new things made people really happy. That beautiful things like beautiful spaces, beautiful art, beautiful food, beautiful moments, brought people joy which in turn brought me joy. I was an entrepreneur before I knew what that meant. I started selling my creations at local arts and craft fairs, from home, and door-to-door as early as 9th grade. By my senior year in college I had started an interior design and custom painting business that grew and flourished over the following ten years. The commercial and residential projects were getting larger and more exciting. At some point, I partnered with a local builder and together we won awards in the Parade of Homes. I loved working for myself, collaborating with others, and forging my own path.

And then a very large fork in the path appeared, illuminated by the sudden death of my father. I stood at that crossroads for three years (I’m not joking) and ultimately made the decision to turn left down the path my father had envisioned for me. Throughout my formative years, my father would often say, “You should be a teacher,” and would list all the reasons why he thought that would be a good thing for me to do. I’m not sure how else to explain it, but in order for me to be able to process his death I threw myself into graduate school, got my Master of Education degree and my certification to teach. I started teaching immediately and happily went down that path for the next 20 years. I was completely driven to be the best teacher I could be and went above and beyond at every turn. During that time I also obtained my Principal’s Certification because if my father would be proud that I was a teacher, he would be really proud if I was a principal. Seems logical, yes?

I don’t regret that left-turn decision because a lot of good came from it. I learned a lot and made so many lasting connections with students that I still keep in touch with today. My students and I forged relationships with orphanages in Guatemala, creating portraits for the children there who had no personal belongings, no photos of themselves, no documented memories. It was so impactful for all of us to meet the children and send them their portraits and doing what we could to bring them joy. We created numerous instructional art books for a school in Rwanda that had dirt floors and no books. We communicated regularly with the principal of the school who sent us letters from the children thanking us for the books. My students were incredible and won awards for their creative outreach. My heart was full. I was committee chair of the Health Fair and served on various other committees, taught sessions to my colleagues at inservice, presented at state conferences, spearheaded and facilitated a two-year school-wide 1500 foot mural that still adorns the cafeteria today. I was a mentor for new teachers, a student teacher supervisor, practiced clinical supervision to aid colleagues in their own instructional awareness, created my own curriculum, worked collaboratively with colleagues to create interdisciplinary experiences for our students, created instructional materials to aid teachers in the use of Differentiated Instruction, planned many experiential field trips to various art museums, and expanded the learning outside of the classroom by creating our own art installations in various locations. To say I was driven, is an understatement.

But there is a reason why they say “Hindsight is 20/20.” This saying comes from Exodus 33:22 where God hides Moses behind the rock until He passes. As time went by, my doing increasingly started to give way to my being. The doing served its purpose in the grander scheme and as I needed it less and less, I wanted it less and less. The salve had worn off. The wound had healed. The longer I taught, the less I needed to be there, the less I wanted to be there. The doing had assuaged my need to do it. The doing started to clear off my path that lead me back up the hill. But because I had clung onto the doing, as a sort of safety blanket, it was really difficult to let it go. Just this past summer, I sat on the deck in tears because I had just turned down an offer to be a principal at a local school. It seemed like the next “logical” step. It was practical, safe, and seemed to make sense. The practical side of me thought I should do it, but the thought of it made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. My neck was so tight, it felt like there was a noose around my neck. I was supposed to wake up that day and accept the position. Instead, I woke up and knew immediately that I was going to turn it down. I had used education as a crutch for too long. I had denied my being for too long. The payment was over and I was done. I made a lot of decisions that summer- to leave anything and everything that didn’t align with my purpose. To remove anyone who didn’t want what was best for me, just what was “best” for them. My inner knowing was getting louder and louder. No one was going to keep me from what I knew I needed to do.

Sharing this is an extremely vulnerable thing for me to do. I would guess that most people who know me, have no idea about any of this. I’m sure my then husband didn’t even know. I am a very private person and I keep quiet about most things. I really dislike when people ply me with questions, sharing has to be on my terms and I extend that same courtesy to others. I don’t feign interest through transactional kindness to manipulate others into “liking me,” so I can further my own agenda. I say all of this not only to process my own thoughts but to illustrate how human we all are. That so many of us go down a path that was never meant for us with each person having their own unspoken or even unknown reason. I wonder how many students are in law school because that’s what their parents want? How many people are living a life in response to a childhood offense? “I’ll show them!” If I’m rich enough, successful enough, thin enough, then people won’t reject me again. I’ll be included! It’s unfortunate the lies we tell ourselves and the parts of our lives that never come to fruition as a result. As Thoreau wrote in Walden in 1854, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” “We bury the faint crackling of our inner fire, underneath other safer noises and settle for a false life,” writes David Brooks.

October 14th was my official last day of teaching. I thank God that He closed every door I tried to walk through that He knew was not meant for me. That season is over and it’s time to move on.

Is something in your life calling to you? Have you exchanged a flame for a spark? Are you doing what you want or are you trying to keep someone else happy? It might have taken me 20 years, but "See, I am doing a new thing!” (Isaiah 43:19)

-K
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